Today I watched the sun rise and set from bed, with few active interludes--a hesitant midday trip to the taco place across the street, and a shower that was long enough for the hot water to run out but apparently not long enough for me to do anything but stand there.
Nothing bad happened to me today (“a ship in harbor is safe”, right?), or yesterday, or the day before. I got a parking ticket last week but I forgot about that until just now.
Truth be told, things are good. I’ve been cooking quite a bit. I have tickets to a concert later this week. I’ve got enough money. My friends are there for me, to the point that I don’t have enough time to see them as much as they offer.
Maybe that’s it, though. This year of adulthood has not been what I expected from songs like “All My Friends” or “1979.” Or “Closing Time.” People haven’t deserted me. I’m not lonely. I’m not dangerously nostalgic. But I find myself saying no to things, and to people, on the grounds that “I don’t feel like it.” What? When have I “not felt like” doing something with the people I love? And it isn’t avoidance. It’s purely a me thing. I turn something down in the interest of “self-care,” and by hour two of home-alone time, that clean white cloth bandage of “self-care” has morphed into the bloodsoaked rag of self-loathing. What is past tense of FOMO?
How about HIMI? “How'd I Miss It.”
And then FNR. “For No Reason.”
Anyway, three of us picked the three songs that make us the saddest right now because the world is sad right now. Let yourself feel it. Tell your friends you love them and that you miss them. I’m gonna tell mine that I’m gonna try and do better. Maybe one day I’ll be sad I’ve lost that desire, too. Byeeeeeeeeee.
- Sun Kil Moon - I Can’t Live Without My Mother’s Love
- The Cure - The Same Deep Water as You
- Sufjan Stevens - Fourth of July
- Wilco - Radio Cure
- Young Galaxy - Pretty Boy
- Belle and Sebastian - My Wandering Days Are Over
- Bat for Lashes - Laura
- The Blue Nile - Let’s Go Out Tonight
- Evanescence - My Immortal